Separation

Separation 1: the act or process of separating : the state of being separated
2a : a point, line, or means of division b : an intervening space : gap
3a : cessation of cohabitation between a married couple by mutual agreement
I am very drained of the separations going on in my reality. Tony is living in California and my bed and my heart are empty with it. I seem to have separated from myself long before this happened. Not caring what was good for me. Not believing in my self. Not loving me! I would like the separation of Kristi to come to an end. Its time I put myself back together and love me again its not midnight on a Tuesday but 9 on a Monday and I am accepting the life that is laid out in front of me its mine and from this moment on I am the one who gets to create it

self discovery

I am changing my content slightly, however I am still blogging about self discovery. I never said it matter of factly but Midnight on a Tuesday is very fitting to self discovery. Discovery can happen at any moment. It can be a process that led to several events that finally put the discovery in front of you, or it can be in one single moment, something some one said, something you noticed about your self. It can happen at midnight on a Tuesday or 4:30 on a Friday. you wake from a dream, you catch a glance of your self in a mirror, you have a frank chat with some one you love and something strikes a cord in you heart.
I have been ignoring my discoveries for a long time, burring them, hiding them behind the wall of tile that I have put up to shield my self. I hide out of fear of my self and of fear of being hurt. I AM TIRED OF HIDING! I have precieved my self to be mud for so long. My preception of me has been dark and cold, something most people avoid for fear of getting mud on themselves. I didnt want people to get to know me. I wasnt worth knowing. I wasnt deserving of happiness. I WAS WRONG!! I still feel very isnecure and helpless, doing damage to myself and the ones closest to me. However I am DONE precieving myself as mud!! The sun is comming out and the mud is going to dry. Unfortunately dirt is what comes after mud, but I take dirt over mud any day. With dirt I am able to wipe it off and it doesnt leave a stain. I will be movable and change able I will be able to form into a rock that will be changable by the elements that only I will allow to change me. I will no longer be mud that is moldable by others in my life, I will be strong and reliable and I will work to find that jem inside of me. Today is a brand new day and the sun is up and shining and my world is bright and only I can change me and I am steping out from behind my wall, vunerable and unprotected but accepting of the change that is coming.

Day 2

“I need a place where I can go, where I can whisper what I know,
where I can whisper who I like and where I go to see them.
I need a place where I can hide, where no one sees my life inside,
where I can make my plans, and write them down so I can read them.
A place where I can bid my heart be still and it will mind me.
A place where I can go when I am lost, and there I'll find me.
I need a place to spend the day, Where no one says to go or stay,
Where I can take my pen and draw the girl I mean to be.”(The Secret Garden)

Today I am going to find a place that is my own. A quiet corner or chair or even a bench or stretch of grass in a park . A place where I can go to meditate and find that peace that I need. A place where I can go to find me.

So today was a bit harder than i was expecting it to be... it is exausting being excited about things i just don't care for. I did however find delight in things that i normally take for granted.
This morning while putting on my makeup i noticed how much i like mascara on my eyelashes, and how full my lips look with a little gloss. Those simple things made me feel more feminine and gave me a self esteem boost that i needed. Next i did my daughter Kalistas' hair, that is a bit of a task in its self , one i dont necessairly like. She is a bit of a tom-boy and has always hated getting her hair done. Today she sat still and quiet and I loveingly and patiently did her hair, teaching her that it is ok to go out into the day feeling good about your self. I liked that alot. Later it was out to lunch with Uncle John, that is becoming a weekly ritual. The best part is that we are trying out all the places we have never eaten before. That i also like alot. It is an adventure to break out of the same old rut, even if it is only for one meal. The day is not over yet, and i still have to do several things i dont like to do, but i also get to do several that i like. Take a hot shower, read a book, snuggle with my husband, and sleep ...... oh yes, SLEEP.

My first challenge of liking what i do

Ok my first challenge has come up. I have company coming in little over an hour and the sight of my house is definitely not guest friendly. Now how ever I don’t care about those impressions I care about how I feel about my house. Plus at the moment they will have no where to sit. How do I go about liking doing house work ?? Generally I don’t mind tidying up my house it refreshes me but at the beginning of the week it becomes very frustrating ! We have rushed thru the weekend with out one blink as to the status of the house . That part I don’t mind its just Monday and Tuesday come along and it has become a bit overwhelming . The laundry has piled up (all clean --well almost) so the love seat is now where to be seen. The trash is over flowing . The dogs toys along with the kids toys are strewn from one end of the house to the next . Over whelming !!!!! In truth it probably will only take 30 min or so to clean up , but it just seems like so much when you stop and force your self to actually look at it. Ok so original question, How do i like house work?? I am going to turn on loud music, the kind that forces you to move and I am going to open the windows and let in all that beautiful spring , and I am going to tell my self that this is for me, that I feel more peaceful and sure of my self when I am not surrounded by chaos! Look out house here I come !

oh what a beautiful morning

I have decided that I speak to quickly and that is a trait I would like to alter. Yes that is negative but in order to find the things I like about me I have to acknowledge the bad . The words definitely come out of my mouth to quickly (speed and thought). I talk out of frustration and anger and 9 times out of 10 I don’t actually mean the things I say . I have a thought possess that is out of place, that says I have to be in control at all times. The ironic thing is I really don’t want that control. I.E….. Mornings ……. The bane of my existence… well not truly, I used to completely be a morning person now with school and schedules and kids that are definite non morning functioners , I have allowed something that I really like to be tainted. I am going to reclaim my mornings!! Today when I woke up I called to my girls to come snuggle with me ( J on the list of things I like ) I thought why wake up and immediately go into that rant about how they are not going fast enough or going about their morning the way I like …Its there morning too, let them feel the things they need to feel . Next instead of begrudging the morning walk with the dogs ( from now on known as Daisy(the boxer) and Mandy ( the chug) I stepped out the front door and took notice that it is an amazingly beautiful day. The weather is perfect, I can hear birds chirping , the sky is blue, I actually like the sound of the cars going by on the street. While walking I am breathing in the atmosphere and see that I am not the only one that is enjoying the morning and being outside Daisy and Mandy are almost breathless about it . Daisy is jumping and bouncing and truly being the boxer dog that I love so much , the dog that made me want a boxer in the first place. I am forfeiting control of my mornings I will do what I need to do to like my mornings again. Today I will find a way to like every thing that I do even the bad and I will take out those exceptions.

Day 1

Start simple…….. Im going to make a list of all the things that know for sure that I like (no need to sugar coat it im not trying to impress any one )(no exceptions I either like it or I don’t .. none of that “I like ____ except when____” crap)

Food playing on the computer sleeping snuggling with my girls
Watching movies snuggling with my hubby boxer dogs the color green
Jewelry air conditioning my nails done big band music rainy days
Color on walls long showers water of any kind blankets in the park
Spring my mom my husband my daughters back rubs roses
Monkeys starry nights beaches


It actually is harder than I expected to list things that I genuinely like, no exceptions or modifying it . There are a lot of things that I wanted to list but I could say I liked it completely, i.e.~ I like boxer dogs… I love my boxer but I don’t like her when she goes potty on the floor. I find my self up set with her for lots of little things… she gets on the counter quite often to try to lick or find food , it is infuriating and sometimes I hear my self say “I hate you dam dog!” I don’t actually hate her I just hate that I cant keep things clean and it is easier to just be annoyed with the dog than to be annoyed with my self for not doing what I know needs to be done.