self discovery

I am changing my content slightly, however I am still blogging about self discovery. I never said it matter of factly but Midnight on a Tuesday is very fitting to self discovery. Discovery can happen at any moment. It can be a process that led to several events that finally put the discovery in front of you, or it can be in one single moment, something some one said, something you noticed about your self. It can happen at midnight on a Tuesday or 4:30 on a Friday. you wake from a dream, you catch a glance of your self in a mirror, you have a frank chat with some one you love and something strikes a cord in you heart.
I have been ignoring my discoveries for a long time, burring them, hiding them behind the wall of tile that I have put up to shield my self. I hide out of fear of my self and of fear of being hurt. I AM TIRED OF HIDING! I have precieved my self to be mud for so long. My preception of me has been dark and cold, something most people avoid for fear of getting mud on themselves. I didnt want people to get to know me. I wasnt worth knowing. I wasnt deserving of happiness. I WAS WRONG!! I still feel very isnecure and helpless, doing damage to myself and the ones closest to me. However I am DONE precieving myself as mud!! The sun is comming out and the mud is going to dry. Unfortunately dirt is what comes after mud, but I take dirt over mud any day. With dirt I am able to wipe it off and it doesnt leave a stain. I will be movable and change able I will be able to form into a rock that will be changable by the elements that only I will allow to change me. I will no longer be mud that is moldable by others in my life, I will be strong and reliable and I will work to find that jem inside of me. Today is a brand new day and the sun is up and shining and my world is bright and only I can change me and I am steping out from behind my wall, vunerable and unprotected but accepting of the change that is coming.